mangiati_vivi

So! It's about time that I posted something of substance, don't you think? Me too.

Ths past Friday, Ash and I went to a Fetish Night at a local club called Orpheus. It. Was. AWESOME.

What were Ash and I doing at a Fetish Night, you might be wondering? Funny you should ask. That's actually something I've been meaning to write about for awhile now, but haven't really been sure was anybody's business, or had the means to explain it to my satisfaction. However, I think I can give it a shot now. So, ( here's the thing )

Ever sit down to compose a post, get it most of the way written, and then decide it's total garbage and scrap it?

That's been my life lately. There's a lot of awesome shit happening right now - a lot of it having to do with something I've been trying to make a post about and explain for the last few weeks, but haven't quite been able to. It's getting to the point where my inability to brain properly is starting to drive me just a leeeeetttle bit insane.

That, and I seem to have pulled a muscle in my side during the course of the day yesterday. Not cool.

I wish my dad and I had a healthy relationship, but we don't. I'm sure there's a larger journal entry in there somewhere, but I don't have it in me right now.

The older I get, the more I realize how much of my personality was shaped by my reaction to my parents. Some of the ways in which I developed are good, and welcome - a good many more are not. Not sure whether or not that's something I can fix at this stage of the game or not. If nothing else, I wish my dad and I could understand each other and just be comfortable. Unfortunately, I feel like we're both too old and damaged for that to be an option.

Man, it's been awhile since I've done anything but read my friend's list here. I don't know what changed, but in the past few months, it just seems as if there hasn't been anything worth writing about in enough detail to bother posting here. I think it's because I have a bad habit of letting life drag me on down the river, instead of taking the initiative and making something happen. Or maybe I'm just boring. Who knows?

Anyway - I'm going to try to start posting more in the coming weeks. Ash and I have been working on rekindling some very important aspects of our relationship, and I'd like to be able to write about them here, but as it may include some...personal issues, we'll have to talk about it and see if each of us is comfortable first.

Other than that - school, back pain, trying to find a job, blah blah blah.

Here's a bummer of an update

I"m intensely unhappy with my life. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but it's been quite awhile. Some days are better than others, and most times I can get through the day without thinking about it all too deeply, but today is not one of those days.

My life is comprised of a set routine - I wake up, go downstairs, eat breakfast, and screw around on the internet for the rest of the day. Sometimes I run some errands or take a walk, lately I've been looking for a job, but in general, my life is contained wholly within these four fucking walls. Day in, day out - might as well be on a treadmill.

I have no money - I'm grateful for the cash I do receive, but it's not enough to live on, and I can't keep coming to pop with my hand out any more. He's beginning to be in the same boat as I am. I had hoped to find a job to get back on my feet, and I'm still hoping and trying to make that happen, but it's much harder than I'd thought.

And in all reality, I just don't seem to give a fuck about life. I never have. I can't figure out why, but a long-standing theme of my life has been "oh well". I don't seem to have the ability to push for things that I need to accomplish in order to make something of my life. I've tried to turn things around, and in some ways I have, but underneath it all, I'm still the same person - unmotivated, apathetic, directionless.

I can't tell you how many times I've contemplated suicide lately. And honestly, if I thought it'd make a difference and not hurt my family too badly, I'd do it. But the fact is that it -won't- make a difference, and it -will- hurt them, so it's obviously not an option.

I just wish I knew how to get a handle on my life and start working towards accomplishing goals that would show me that I'm not just treading water, and that there is more to my life than the same old shit day after day.

Holy hell, it's been awhile.

Not a whole lot to report - still breathing, still in school, still a cranky old cripple.

Ash and I have started to really focus on what it's going to take to get out on our own. Nothing is wrong, but it's time that we start our own life in our own place. It would reduce a hell of a lot of stress.

Hm. I have no idea what to say. Fred is doing way better. The operation cleared things right up, and he's back to his old kitty self. Now, if there was only an operation that would keep him off the damn counters...

A possible job prospect has appeared! Just gotta take care of a few things first, and then we'll see where it goes. Hopefully it works out, I'd be working at a good place with a seemingly awesome boss and a good friend. Good times.

Man, I'm boring. I shall endeavor to have more of a life soon!

If I told you where it was and what it looked like, it'd hardly be a hideout, would it?

Steamed (or fried) veggie dumplings. Or, the pizza I get from Roma's - no cheese, onions, mushrooms, black olives, broccoli & breaded eggplant. I could live very happily having either of those for dinner for as long as you'd let me.

Let her die in her sleep. Why should both of us end our lives terrified?

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/thefamous/natalie-portman-gives-up-veganism/1043

"I actually went back to being vegetarian when I became pregnant, just because I felt like I wanted that stuff," Portman tells the Q100 Bert Show in Atlanta. "I was listening to my body to have eggs and dairy and that sort of thing."

and

"If you're not eating eggs, then you can't have cookies or cake from regular bakeries, which can become a problem when that's all you want to eat."



Super lame. :(