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Man, I don't know what the fuck has changed in Fred's life in the past week and a half to cause him to act like he his, but I wish whatever it was would pass, because goddamnit I can't even pt together five consecutive hours of sleep a night anymore because of it. No matter what we do, he just will. not. calm. the. fuck. down. Ten minutes after the lights go out, he's up on Ash's desk knocking shit off or trying to pull the pictures off of the wall, or jumping up on the counter where the TV is and trying to get behind it, or chewing on one of the random pieces of stuff we have in the room or trying to bite my foot because it's hanging off the bed, or whatever. He NEVER used to be this bad. I don't know what to do about it, but I'm really starting to get angry at him. I feel like shit and I just want to SLEEP.

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Not sure what I did to offend the Gawds, but this is probably the ninth or tenth day in a row that I've not only woken up HOURS earlier than I had intended to, but also in a huge amount of lower back pain and faced with a cat who WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP and calm down.

Not a happy camper today.

Random Weight Watcher's Rant

Ok, so I haven't posted here in awhile, but some of you might know through other means that I recently rejoined weight watchers. It worked for me amazingly well in the past, only failing due to my own inability to stay on track without actually going to meetings anymore. Needless to say, I'm still not entirely able to manage my weight on my own without some form of structure guiding me along, so joining back up is a good thing.

Unfortunately, I'm running into much the same problem that I had the first time around. To describe the problem, I'll have to explain a bit about how Weight Watchers works:

Basically, there are two ways to do WW. One "plan" assigns you a set number of points based on your height, weight, age, and gender. These points are your "allowance" for the day. Every food has a points value based on it's nutritional values. Eat whatever you want, as long as it stays within your points budget, and you're golden. The weight will come off.

The other plan differs in that there are no points, but there is a set list of "approved" foods. Previously, this was called the "Core" plan. Now they call it "Simply Filling". Whatever the name, the idea is basically the same. You can eat whatever you want from the approved food list (usually whole/minimally processed foods) in whatever quantity you want, as long as you only eat enough to satisfy your hunger. Therein lies the tricky part for some of us fatties - we don't always listen to our bodies when they tell us to stop eating. But, the Core/Simply filling plan is good like that - it re-trains you to listen to those cues, while not feeling fenced in by the points budget.

Common to both plans is the weekly bonus points. Everyone, regardless of what their personal points budget may be, gets 49 weekly bonus points to spend however they please. This is cool for a lot of reasons, most of them so obvious that I probably don't even need to mention them. Suffice to say, they can be super helpful - and if you don't want or need them, you don't have to use them.

Now, on to my dilemma.

Since I'm a guy and a fat-fat-fattyfat, I get a grand total of 71 points a day. For those of you who don't know, that is is a shit-ton of points. When I was doing weight watchers in the past, I had about the same amount. At first, I was overjoyed - I get to eat all kinds of foods! Hooray, right? It turns out, not so much. Yes, I can eat virtually anything I want, but the problem became that I was eating everything I wanted, then having to find stuff like oreos, and ice cream and all the shit that I mindlessly eat anyway in order to fill the extra points that I had left after a day of decent, responsible eating. I was still losing weight, but my whole day was spent feeding myself, and my food budget was fucking insane. Sounds pretty bananas (mmm, bananas) for a weight-loss program, but that's how things were turning out.

So, I switched to the Core program. My food budget instantly dropped, and I didn't have to eat my way through the day like I was before. The problem with that was that once I figured out exactly what I liked to eat and fit into the Core plan, that's all I ate. I'm not even kidding when I say that for about six months straight, my dinner was a baked potato with fat-free sour cream & cheese, all the butter spray I cared to spray, two lean pork chops, and some broccoli. As awesome as that meal was, having it every. single. fuckin. day. starts to make one crazy.

Anyway - long story short, the same pattern is reasserting itself with this go-around. I've been using the "Simply Filling" plan so far, but am already in a rut. Plus, I use up my weekly bonus points on little extras for the meals I make, so there's little left over for things like snacks and whatnot to help keep the monotony at bay. However, trying to plan a meal plan that uses all of my 71 daily points, and stays within my weekly food budget is proving to be nigh impossible. Aargh.

So yeah. There's some first-world problems for ya.

To sleep, perchance to dream...

For a long time Ash has been tellling me that I snore really badly and sometimes stop breathing in my sleep. Being the hard-headed fuck that I am, I never really took it seriously. My mom snores, I know I snore, big deal.

Late last year Ash took a video of me while I slept, and I watched myself completely stop breathing for about fifteen seconds. I got a referral for a sleep study from my GP later that week. As is my habit, I neglected to make the appointment until late last month. On the fifth, I went in for the study. It wasn't as bad as I thought - a bit uncomfortable and awkward at first, but I fell asleep easily enough and before I knew it I was roused and sent on my way.

The sleep center called me this morning, and the nurse informed me that they had forwarded the results to my GP. She also went over the results with me, and according to the test I have severe obstructive sleep apnea. During 486 minutes of sleep, I stopped breathing almost 350 times, with the longest obstruction lasting just under a minute and a half.

Now I knew that I had at least some degree of apnea, but the numbers I was given are a bit of a shock. I had no idea that things were that bad. It makes me feel like a total ass, putting Ash through that for so long. She's been telling me about this for years and I just shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal, when in reality, I could have had a heart attack or stroke at pretty much any time because of this shit. I gotta stop being so flippant about my health, and this is a great reminder of that.


Dear Jay:

Do not, no matter how exciting it may sound, commit to provide tasting portions of cake on a publicity-only basis for an event a little more than a month away, that is being run by a person you just met two hours ago in class. You could probably pull it off, but seriously, dude - what the fuck are you thinking. Yes, it's great to network. Yes, it's necessary to take a hit now and then when you're trying to get your name out there. But damnit, finish school first! Then focus on all the other shit.

Now, go run errands and stress out about the huge amount of work you have ahead of you for the one class you've already started, and try to figure out how to word an email to your new friend that explains that you'll have to back out, but won't make you sound like a shady idiot who overcommits to everything.


In much more awesome and less-stressful news - Ash and I have been together for seven years today. We're not really celebrating it, though. We're too broke, and have decided to simply celebrate our wedding anniversary, to avoid remembering a bunch of different dates and whatnot. Love you love!

A Real Post!!

So! It's about time that I posted something of substance, don't you think? Me too.

Ths past Friday, Ash and I went to a Fetish Night at a local club called Orpheus. It. Was. AWESOME.

What were Ash and I doing at a Fetish Night, you might be wondering? Funny you should ask. That's actually something I've been meaning to write about for awhile now, but haven't really been sure was anybody's business, or had the means to explain it to my satisfaction. However, I think I can give it a shot now. So, Collapse )


Ever sit down to compose a post, get it most of the way written, and then decide it's total garbage and scrap it?

That's been my life lately. There's a lot of awesome shit happening right now - a lot of it having to do with something I've been trying to make a post about and explain for the last few weeks, but haven't quite been able to. It's getting to the point where my inability to brain properly is starting to drive me just a leeeeetttle bit insane.

That, and I seem to have pulled a muscle in my side during the course of the day yesterday. Not cool.

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I wish my dad and I had a healthy relationship, but we don't. I'm sure there's a larger journal entry in there somewhere, but I don't have it in me right now.

The older I get, the more I realize how much of my personality was shaped by my reaction to my parents. Some of the ways in which I developed are good, and welcome - a good many more are not. Not sure whether or not that's something I can fix at this stage of the game or not. If nothing else, I wish my dad and I could understand each other and just be comfortable. Unfortunately, I feel like we're both too old and damaged for that to be an option.

Getting to look like a ghost town around here...

Man, it's been awhile since I've done anything but read my friend's list here. I don't know what changed, but in the past few months, it just seems as if there hasn't been anything worth writing about in enough detail to bother posting here. I think it's because I have a bad habit of letting life drag me on down the river, instead of taking the initiative and making something happen. Or maybe I'm just boring. Who knows?

Anyway - I'm going to try to start posting more in the coming weeks. Ash and I have been working on rekindling some very important aspects of our relationship, and I'd like to be able to write about them here, but as it may include some...personal issues, we'll have to talk about it and see if each of us is comfortable first.

Other than that - school, back pain, trying to find a job, blah blah blah.
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(no subject)

Here's a bummer of an update

I"m intensely unhappy with my life. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but it's been quite awhile. Some days are better than others, and most times I can get through the day without thinking about it all too deeply, but today is not one of those days.

My life is comprised of a set routine - I wake up, go downstairs, eat breakfast, and screw around on the internet for the rest of the day. Sometimes I run some errands or take a walk, lately I've been looking for a job, but in general, my life is contained wholly within these four fucking walls. Day in, day out - might as well be on a treadmill.

I have no money - I'm grateful for the cash I do receive, but it's not enough to live on, and I can't keep coming to pop with my hand out any more. He's beginning to be in the same boat as I am. I had hoped to find a job to get back on my feet, and I'm still hoping and trying to make that happen, but it's much harder than I'd thought.

And in all reality, I just don't seem to give a fuck about life. I never have. I can't figure out why, but a long-standing theme of my life has been "oh well". I don't seem to have the ability to push for things that I need to accomplish in order to make something of my life. I've tried to turn things around, and in some ways I have, but underneath it all, I'm still the same person - unmotivated, apathetic, directionless.

I can't tell you how many times I've contemplated suicide lately. And honestly, if I thought it'd make a difference and not hurt my family too badly, I'd do it. But the fact is that it -won't- make a difference, and it -will- hurt them, so it's obviously not an option.

I just wish I knew how to get a handle on my life and start working towards accomplishing goals that would show me that I'm not just treading water, and that there is more to my life than the same old shit day after day.